1. |
New Year's Eve
03:27
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I hear the sirens first,
before the cars arrive.
The crickets hush their song.
The officers are stoic;
they tell us it’s bad news.
We’re outside in the front yard,
wearing pajamas and no shoes.
They tell me, “Go inside.
Get a blanket for his face.”
How do I know if I chose right?
Now everything is different,
but the dawn comes, anyway.
A cardinal greets the morning,
the inconsiderate, bright rays.
Although it’s August,
the new year starts right now—
this is the day that we will count from.
And I’m counting all my blessings, too
I’m wearing my brave face.
My words are insufficient.
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2. |
I've Seen You
03:52
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I’ve seen you in my dreams
more and more with every passing month,
always near, but never close enough to touch.
You never speak. your movement’s slow,
like I’m thumbing through a book,
trying to animate the pictures of you
doing something ordinary.
Just before I wake up,
I realize there’s no way you could be here
so I try hard to stay asleep,
but morning takes you away.
And I think,
there goes the day, there goes the week.
Going back to sleep only means another dream.
I lie like a hostage in my bed.
I start my day and I wait
for the grief to pass me by
‘til next time that I climb in my bed.
And all these miles that I’ve flown from my home
never made me feel as grown up
as when you were proud of me.
I’ve seen you...
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3. |
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The bees lie scattered on the windowsill,
almost buried by dust,
their rigid corpses like the dead bouquets
along the interstate.
Antennas drooping stems,
wings like wilting petals.
And I draw a cross in the dirt.
And we who have survived,
we who are as small
and as cruel as we’ve seen ourselves
in nightmares,
we need to know they did not suffer.
We need to know their lives were worth living,
that they died in search of sweetness.
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4. |
Little Ray
02:20
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Little ray of sunlight on my wall,
you have traveled farther than my
little brain can comprehend at all.
Are you tired? Or disappointed
to be in this room alone with me,
in Wisconsin, instead of heaven?
Where you came from, did it feel like summer all the time?
Was it scary flying through a vacuum at the speed of light?
When the wind blows and the trees shake, are you winking at me,
or are you dying, little ray of light?
Little ray of sunlight on my wall,
edging slowly towards my doorway.
Won’t you stay and tell me what you’ve seen?
Mercury, Venus, and comets flying.
But you don’t have to say a thing at all--
just keep shining, please.
Where you came from, did you ever see the face of God?
And did he tell you that she loves you, or did you always know?
If I were stronger, if I were faster, maybe I could shine like you;
I could be a ray of sunlight too.
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5. |
How to Solve a Puzzle
03:16
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Grandma taught me to find
the corners first, dependable
like a compass rose
or Johnson’s drug store
on Lincoln and Main.
Next, she gathered and
connected each flat edge,
straight as a birch tree,
strong as a cane
supporting unsteady steps
on uneven sidewalk.
The rest was trial and error,
like stumbling through a melody
on dusty, old piano keys,
like putting a name with a face
or a word with an emotion,
but the longer she tried,
the more pieces were missing.
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6. |
Silent Night
03:41
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An usher near the narthex turns the dimmer down
while Pastor Cath is giving the fire safety speech.
We fumble in our hymnals, trying to adjust to the light.
Eyes blinking like seraphim, we open up to Silent Night.
Oh, oh, oh...
The amber flames stretch out onto my waiting wick,
and I feel the heat like sunshine kissing my pale face.
The light casts long shadows, dancing on my slacks,
making hulking monsters of the full coat racks.
Oh, oh, I want to go back.
Oh, oh, I want to stop moving.
Oh, oh, I want to fast forward.
I want to go home.
Grandma's hands shiver and shake;
I bite my lip as I pass the flame.
The darkness looks like a picture frame,
and the first chord starts to play.
Silent night, holy night...
Wax starts to slide down the candle's side.
We sing all together in four part harmony,
my mom, my dad, my sisters, my whole family and me.
We still do in my memory.
We still do in my memory.
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7. |
Our Father
04:48
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I am my father’s son,
and if I’m anyone’s,
I’m glad I’m yours.
You are always there for me
in my memory,
forevermore.
When my friend Maria died,
I tried hard not to cry
next to you in church,
but then I saw your first tear land
on the hymnal in your hands,
and it blurred the words.
You didn’t know her family.
I wonder--did you think of me?
--because I thought of you.
Both good and bad dreams come true.
You always tied my ties for me;
straight through puberty,
I never learned.
You didn’t need a mirror’s aid,
and every knot you made
was straight and firm.
You had a tie for every day.
You planned them out the night before.
Early to bed,
early to rise.
So how’d they tie your tie for you
in that sterile room,
while you lay still?
And who put make up on your face,
as if you were in a play--
your last role to fill?
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done.
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8. |
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The cardinal in the birch tree doesn’t make a sound.
The snow is still upon the branch and on the ground.
He cannot hide because he wears a crimson crown;
His bride is safe in underbrush with plumes of brown.
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9. |
Enough
03:02
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I know your fear, ‘cause mine’s the same.
The same old story but with different names.
Your heart’s broken but you won’t pass on the blame.
I know you’re burying your shame.
Dig it up, now, let it feel the sunlight.
You are not right, you are not wrong.
You’re enough to be loved.
Whether you try to win or lose,
you’re just ignoring the same wound.
There’s not a thing for you to prove;
there’s not a mountain that you couldn’t move.
I see you longing to be chosen,
and yet you think that you’re too broken.
Your pain is plain to see because it lives in me as well,
I’m scared as hell that I might fail you.
‘Cause I’ve been wrong, when I felt right.
And I’m digging, and I’m stepping towards the light,
and I’m learning I’m enough to be loved.
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10. |
Songs for Someone
03:15
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I’ve been falling madly, hopelessly in love
with someone I’ve imagined,
and every day she tells me I’m enough.
I thought it was romantic.
I thought that it might help, but I just feel more lonely.
That’s what happens when you’re talking to yourself.
I’m starving for attention.
God, I’m wasting away.
I'm praying to be chosen, so send her today.
In your name I pray.
Maybe she’s an idol, but You gave me this heart.
And you gave me this longing,
and I want her more the longer we’re apart.
If I could just stop sinning, then my time would arrive.
And she would be there waiting in a wedding dress,
so we don’t waste more time.
So God, please, have mercy--
can’t you see I’m trying to change?
I promise I’ll do better if you send her today.
What do you say?
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11. |
Waiting for Santa
02:50
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I don’t want a lot this Christmas, just to be with you.
You could wear that dress I like. You know the one, it’s blue.
We could take a walk, except it’s negative degrees.
Let’s just stay inside and sit as close as frozen peas.
As a child I sat against the heater in my room
and listened closely to hear Santa on the roof.
Later, I stopped believing—‘cause I was above deceiving.
Still, I would lay awake and wait and wait and wait.
Christmas is approaching but I don’t have any list.
How could I want more when I have got a scene like this?
I can hear your heartbeat and the radiator’s hum.
You are like a dream that I don’t have to wake up from.
I’ve spent so much time just waiting for you, darling.
I had almost given up, but now I’m starting to believe again.
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12. |
So Here We Are
02:40
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2 a.m. and wearing ruts into the floor.
Pacing circles, playing back the day. Once more
I see the look in your eyes—
the question spoken without speaking.
The worry mixed with understanding.
And the answer is hidden in my mind.
You’re so patient, taking everything in stride.
You’re so certain; I just wish I could decide
alone and in a vacuum,
but life is loud and complicated.
Even now, in this dark bedroom,
I can’t hear my voice above the crowd in my head.
I never asked for someone like you—
I didn’t know it was an option.
I tried to settle, I tried to rush things once before.
I trust you, dear, but I don’t trust myself.
...So here we are.
4 a.m. and all is quiet in this place;
just my breathing getting slower as I trace
the shape of your head sleeping
on the empty pillow there beside me.
I can almost hear your heartbeat
as my eyelids close.
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13. |
Count on Me
02:45
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If you’re looking for somewhere
to lay your head down,
I’ve got a shoulder just for you.
If you’re looking for someone
to reach the highest cupboards,
sadly I will have to do.
You can count on me.
If you’re looking for a chance
to be yourself without fear,
you don’t have to hide from me.
If you’re looking for someone
who cracks his knuckles too much,
I can do that perfectly.
You can count on me.
Count on me.
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14. |
Negative Space
03:00
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Lying on your back, alone,
on a bed of fresh-cut grass,
your lungs filled up with the scent of green,
and that breath would be your last.
But when you exhaled, it wasn’t just air––
like an infant, our grief was born there.
Early on, I heard it cry
and make its presence known,
and a day could slip away
somewhere between holding on and letting go.
In time grief grew up, and it learned a few words;
it could barely be heard in the space where you were.
In the negative space, we lost you.
In the negative space, we found you.
In the negative space––
where you were, you’ll always be.
Now that I am married, Dad,
I think of what you’d do.
If I ever have a child, I will look to you.
And as I grow up, my grief grows up, too.
And we talk and remember, and I find a way through.
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Tomtenisse Minneapolis, Minnesota
A tomtenisse is a Swedish Christmas gnome.
Andy Pokel is a Swedish Christmas gnome.
Andy Pokel is
Tomtenisse.
Tomtenisse is folksy, snythy, singer-songwritery music.
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